Diaries

Maintenance and Enforcement Program Failures

After leaving my husband, I was told that collecting child support would be no problem.  Well, as they say…the best laid plans… 
After confirming the court order from the arbitrator which took over four years, I waited patiently as the Maintenance and Enforcement Program contacted my ex-husband to collect the monthly child support cheques.  Six months later, I was still in the queue to collect the arrears which was supposed to be paid to me every month.  Finally, I called MEP (the Maintenance and Enforcement Program) phone number and asked why child support and expenses for my children was not being paid.  The government administrator informed me that it is almost impossible to collect arrears and child support from a self-employed person.  Of course, I was shocked and asked why…I thought this was impossible.  She went on to explain that they must disclose their income to MEP.  My ex-husband was not disclosing and would not agree to show any income statements for the last year as well as his current income. My ex-husband is a lawyer.  He knew very well how to play the game.

To complicate matters further, my children informed me that “Daddy” was carrying around loads of cash in his car as he was being paid directly in cash for his real-estate transactions.  Yes, my ex-husband is a lawyer.  Instead of having his fees roll through his Professional Corporation as is the legal requirement, my ex was taking cash deals so that he wouldn’t have to pay me or the tax man. 

At that point, I went back to court to ask what I could do about the mounting arrears that was collecting monthly.  Now a year later my child support arrears and other expenses were at $60K which he still refused to pay.  The court informed me if there were no assets in the province of Alberta, I would not be able to collect the arrears.  Being that my ex-husband is a lawyer, he knew the law and knew that he could hide his assets outside of Alberta.  He currently owns a boat worth $40K and a cabin worth over $500K in BC and to this date is refusing to pay child support for both of our children.  This is a warning for those who think that child support will be paid if ordered by the court.  No, the debtor does not have to adhere to the court order or pay if they hide their assets out of the province of jurisdiction. 

Learnings:

The Maintenance and Enforcement Program is set up by the government to ensure that children receive support from their parents. 

If your partner is self-employed, collecting child support from them can be very difficult.  There are three conditions which make it almost impossible for the government (Alberta) to collect child support on your behalf:

• Your ex-spouse is self-employed (can’t garnish wages as there is no employer to collect from).

• Your ex-spouse moves assets out of the province of AB (sends their assets outside of Court of Queen’s bench jurisdiction in Alberta).

• Your ex-spouse refuses to make an income or gets paid in cash to avoid having an income (even when a judge has set an income for them).  Your ex-spouse will be able to claim little or no income and not pay for the children’s needs or expenses.

Diaries

Bookend offers between opposing counsel

My lawyers got monies in trust (250K) and decided to spin the legal battle between me and my ex-spouse.  He kept sending ridiculous offers that were sure to be rejected.  They’re drafted by counsel and can represent nowhere near a bona fide offer.  Neither party will agree but both sides continue the process.  One side will send an unequal offer to settle to the other party and the other side refuses the offer. Both sides lose in this case.  The longer the battle continues, the more the lawyers are enriched.  Lawyers will talk to each other and bill the clients for the potential offers.  The intent appears to be keeping me (the client) paying for as long as possible.  If I knew that the lawyer would talk to opposing counsel, keep billing me for each offer, and never complete the file, I would never have hired one.  This is the risk of hiring a lawyer without a plan.  While the lawyer keeps billing me, I lose more and more assets. This process can continue for years while the lawyers continue to bill out the file without any conclusion date in sight.

Learnings:

Without a plan forward, the lawyers can spin you in the cycle and you can’t get out without managing the file closely. Your bills increase over time but there is no end to the legal fees.  You lose your assets that were build up over your entire lifetime to try and get out of your marriage. Both lawyers send proposals back and forth that are rejected but cost a huge amount to put together.  They are called “bookend” proposals as they are too far apart to settle the file.

Diaries

Mediation/Arbitration Failures

Clients have no options other than using a system that economically supports and rewards lawyers.

In my case, only three options were given:

1) Court trial (clients are told this is very costly and expensive to finish with the costs of court reporters and lawyers for both sides (highly adversarial)
2) Mediation trial run at the whim of the lawyers (arbitrator runs the show and has no impetus or incentive to complete the file (working with both opposing counsel with more motive to prolong proceedings, not to solve issues in the divorce file they are handling. This can run for years while all lawyers financially benefit from making the file drag out longer during mediation and arbitration.
3) Divorce retail discount where both parties are in agreement to divorce (only 20 percent of people can divorce this way). This process does not work in cases where there is high conflict or in custody fights sometimes encouraged by the lawyers.

My mediation and arbitration hearing took place over a four year period. Long delays in the mediation process made it extremely difficult for the file to be concluded. In fact, it took seven years for this woman to get her final divorce judgement from the court. I had to force the signing of the final divorce order by the court as my ex-spouse would not sign the divorce judgement order. The separation agreement was also never drafted or agreed to during their 7 years of separation. The custody of the children was further complicated due to an alcohol addiction by her ex- spouse. There were lengthy delays in the mediation process as he would not show up for dates and she was still charged by her lawyers for the time. Excessive court dates occurred during mediation when the arbitrator left on sabbatical for long periods of time. The monthly bills for each client ranged between 15-20K a month and on a few months, the bills exceeded 35K (high conflict). Several caveats were placed on the home to make sure that the lawyers were paid first. The woman who retained residential custody of the children lost her home. She is now renting a home with her children as the trust funds from the divorce went to pay the lawyers and the arbitrator’s bills. The emotional trauma of the children losing their home, their friends and their father to alcoholism was devastating to the kids. Both children have been in and out of counselling over the last 8 years. Time will tell the long term impact of this process on the children and how they will find a path forward.
If you calculate the bills over four years, the cost to each client is excess of 300K plus the arbitrators bill which was over 125K. Spending over 700K on legal bills bankrupt the family. That is little consolation for the children who need to attend university in the future.

Learnings
Mediation and arbitration can bankrupt a family as once the mediation/arbitration agreement is signed it is very difficult to terminate the arbitrator. Both sides must agree to terminate.  It costs a great deal to start over with a new arbitrator. Either way, the legal fees can be extremely expensive.

Diaries

False Domestic Violence Claims

The emotional, behavioural and developmental effects on children who are prevented or discouraged from seeing a parent over long periods post-separation is significant as evidenced by psychologists who specialize in divorce cases.
The legal system is simply unable to handle many false Emergency Protection Orders (EPOs) that can and are used by a parent in order to control the ex-spouse in order to punish them. Family lawyers are advising their female clients to get an EPO regardless of abuse and in the absence of any concerning issues in the process of the dissolution of the marriage.

One recent case is reflective of this – A man who has never had any history of violence, never been violent or aggressive with his wife or children was forced from his home after his wife accused him of physical abuse and threatening behaviour. She opportunistically filed for an EPO in court with false affidavits perjuring herself under oath – manipulating the system with complete disregard for the law in order to prevent her ex-husband from caring for the children while she travelled out of town the very next day for purposes of continuing with an affair that was the reason for the marital breakdown. Within hours of the filing, the police forceably removed him and much of his belongings from his home. He was told he could not come back to his own home or contact his children for an indefinite amount of time. The EPO was the quickest way to get her husband out of the home and the ex-wife was able to keep the matrimonial home until the EPO hearing (delayed due to an overwhelmed family court system in Alberta).

Subsequently, the father did not see his children for close to three weeks. On the morning of the EPO hearing, rather than face charges of perjury the wife dropped the EPO minutes before the courtroom opened, but the damage was done and with absolutely no accountability or consequence. In the passing weeks, the father was not allowed to coach his son’s hockey team or go to the school the children attended. An avid volunteer and member of the parent council, the consequences were devastating and humiliating. But beyond these intended consequences, his type 1 diabetic daughter suffered acute hyperglycemia for a period of over three days during the time her mother left her with incapable grandparents and neighbours while she travelled to meet her boyfriend with a suitcase full of lingerie and a lovely plastic “lei” her bestie friend had bestowed her.

Unfortunately, long term effects can be seen on the children’s emotional health and both children have suffered. One child, the daughter, attempted suicide and was diagnosed with ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder, depression and social anxiety disorder). For the past 3 years his young teenager has been on a high dose of antidepressants while she struggles under the constant reign of parental alienation by her mother in the environment of a broken family. She no longer visits or stays with her father…. just the odd cup of coffee or ride home from school or to/from activities when needed. The son, has had emotional trauma and is currently suffering with depression, anxiety and chronic headaches as well. He continues to struggle to reconcile the destructive and alienating behaviour of his mother, grandparents, and other family members on his mother’s side as well as the lack of accountability towards a reasonable solution. And the question arises as to where the accountability is for the longterm impacts to children’s mental health in these circumstances? Even with the involvement of such agencies as Wood’s Homes, parental alienation and manipulation of family/divorce law is blatant and flagrant with no regard for the severe impacts on the emotional and physical health of the children of divorce.

Learnings

An ex-partner can falsely accuse you of domestic violence with absolutely no accountability. You can be removed from your home and alienated from your children for months before the judge can hear your side of the story. A well-intentioned section of family law in Alberta has been exploited to the point of outright abuse with absolutely no checks and balances. Even when your matter is heard you can’t get back the time lost and weeks of waiting to see your children. Your ex-partner can, and will, alienate you from your children by using tactics like this with no regard to the medium and long-term emotional damage caused.

Diaries

Costs of Divorce

Anecdotally there is an embedded bias with any litigator, family lawyers included. They are paid and continued to get paid so long as they are working on a file. There is therefore the implicit disincentive to resolve the matter, as the longer the dispute or fight lasts, the longer they will get paid. It is counter intuitive. I left a domestic violence marriage which left me, for a short time, homeless, jobless, and without money. My spouse was a well-known member of the community and have significant funds. Notwithstanding the circumstances that led to the end of our marriage, I spent $300,000 over the course of 5 years incurring significant debt to simply fund litigation. I came out of the marriage without support, without court ordered custody (I do have “de facto” custody). He still remains in our marital home, and owns our other properties. The money I spent brought no resolution and I could not afford to go to trial to try to get some form of equality or equity. I am an educated woman who does understand the law, and yet the traditional process absolutely failed me and left me handcuffed to continued participation.

In too many divorces there is a power imbalance between the spouses, be it financial, stature, ability to provide or work. The traditional litigation process does not seem mindful of this. Often one or both spouses cannot continue to pay for a lawyer and fund the fight and any funds to divide go to legal fees. It can take upwards of 3 years to book a trial in Alberta, 2 years for a “special” or mini half-day trial. Waiting for trial forces everyone into a state of limbo. Assets may be frozen, custody and support unresolved. Too often the fees and eventual division of assets becomes more likely a division of debt, and at times a bankruptcy by one or both parties. An alternative dispute resolution model could expedite this process and hopefully mitigate the financial drain.

A male colleague of mine, after spending a substantial amount of money on legal fees with two different lawyers, agreed to a fixed fee with his third lawyer. The fixed fee was in excess of $100,000. The day before the trial to finalize support and division of assets (custody was not in dispute), the lawyer advised him that without an additional $100,000 he could not possibly go to trial as the matter was “complicated”. The litigation process took 7 years to resolve during which time all of his assets had been frozen. The total legal fees spent by my colleague was over $1 Million. Had my colleague and his spouse taken a different course, out of court, all matters could have been resolved at a fraction of the cost and time.

Diaries

Anecdotes from a mediator:

In my many years working in personal bankruptcy, I unfortunately saw a lot of bad behaviour and further abuse of an income power imbalance.  In one instance a husband, who ran his own business, intentionally issued T4 slips in his wife’s name without her knowledge.  This allowed for large tax deductions in his business as he reported a large salary going to his wife.  It was 3 years before the wife realized that this had happened, beyond the ability for her to dispute/challenge CRA for the tax assessment.  She only realized what had happened when the CRA registered a writ on the tile of her house and froze her bank account for unpaid taxes which were in excess of $600,000. Adding further pain to her situation, her husband was jointly on title for the home and refused to consent to a sale of the home which would have allowed her to pay off the debt.  In this case our only option was to have her make an assignment into bankruptcy and go to  court to get an order permitting her to sell the house without the husband’s consent. The Trustee in Bankruptcy was able to do this at no cost to the wife as the Trustee obtains their fees from the recoveries of an estate, not directly from the bankrupt.  The woman was able to move on and obtain a discharge from bankruptcy 9 months later but her credit rating suffered significantly through no fault of her own.

Another common occurrence in bankruptcy is jointly held debt and assets.  If one of the spouses has co-signed a loan or provided a personal guarantee to a lender, something that happens in most cases in relation to owner managed businesses, both spouses are jointly and severally liable for the debt.  The bank, or car dealership does not care if the spouses have separated or divorced.  One spouse can recklessly spend and create debt knowing that his or her spouse will get saddled with the liability. If one spouse then declares bankruptcy, the lender will chase the non-bankrupt spouse for repayment of the debt or recovery of the asset. 

Finally, many times one of the spouses is aware that they will be leaving the marriage before announcing it.  The exiting spouse may take several months planning the exit and redistributing assets, taking money out of companies, bank accounts, setting up new accounts in other names or in other countries.  In this case the trail of money has to be followed and almost exclusively would be done by an accountant, not a lawyer.  The value of shares in companies or other assets may be intentionally diminished in order to limit exposure to the other spouse when dividing assets.  Depending on the nature of work, one spouse may intentionally try to show their income is drastically reduced or even non-existent in order to limit the amount of support they have to pay the other spouse. One of the spouses may intentionally file for bankruptcy in order to avoid paying a spouse. When one spouse files for bankruptcy and there are assets, the Trustee must then assess the estate and distribute to the non-bankrupt spouse.  

Diaries

Race to Zero

A few years ago, during one of the numerous times my ex-husband had taken me to court to try and have more income imputed to me (while he was artificially reducing his own income for child support purposes) my lawyer observed we were in a “race to zero”.   You may be wondering what this means…. Essentially, in a shared custody situation, our courts determine child support payments by assessing what each parent earns, taking the difference, and “equalizing” incomes by transferring that difference from the higher income earner to the lower one.  Think of it as a form of equalization payments between provinces.  Unfortunately, this tends to encourage “manipulation” of incomes, whereby one (or both) parents try and reduce their incomes in order to receive (rather than make) child support payments.  I watched as, over the course of 10 years, my ex-husband went from earning a healthy 6-figure income in software sales to becoming a baker (despite having a university degree in Economics), claiming to only earn $30K per year.  Meanwhile, I continued to enhance my career through progressively senior finance roles, consequently paying him more and more child support each year.  It was only after I suffered an emotional breakdown (once again, due to my ex-husband manipulating the legal system for his own personal and financial gain) did I step back from my career to focus on my health and well-being.  As a result, I was no longer making child support payments.  Ironically, neither was my ex-husband, as he evaded the legal system by refusing to provide updated financial information.  I chose not to pursue him, as I was mentally and emotionally drained, though relieved by the fact he was no longer dragging me to court!  Ironically, my ex-husband’s relentless pursuit to get more money from me ultimately resulted in me winning the “race to zero”.  

The Ill-Effects of Having an Ex with Personality Disorders

Is your ex a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath?  Mine is… and he has made my life a living hell since I ended our marriage more than 10 years ago.  Yes, you heard right – we have now been divorced for approximately 12 years, and even though he has remarried, and has a baby with his new wife, he continues to torment me.  From trying to turn my kids against me: “your mother loves [New Partner] more than she loves you; that is why she took a job in a different city”[1], to falsely accusing [New Partner] of physical assault (it took us months, plus 2 police investigations, to finally have the charges dismissed)[2], my ex-husband continues to find new ways to wreak havoc on my life.  Be forewarned – divorcing someone with a personality disorder can cause years of damage – emotional, mental, physical – to yourself, your children, and any new partner / spouse.  Make sure you get help – including professional help, if necessary. 

When Your Ex Decides to Self-Represent

One word – farce. 

When my ex-husband decided after a few years of rotating lawyers to self-represent in court, I was optimistic that we would finally reach some type of resolution.  Boy, was I ever wrong.  His games and lies increased, along with manipulation of the system.  Every judge we encountered would preface the hearing by stating that my ex was expected to abide by the same rules, processes and procedures that any represented client would, but then, would grant him extensions of time and allow him to present “facts” that were wholly unsubstantiated, ultimately leading him to feel ever more empowered.  The family court became a family circus.  Our courts need to ensure due process is adhered to at all times and in all circumstances, and not allow self-represented litigants to “run the show”.  In my situation, my ex-husband was able to successfully lie in court, get away with not having to file documents that would otherwise be mandatory in a hearing, and ultimately rack up my bills with no cost (financial or otherwise) to him.    

[1] Note I continued to actively co-parent, working from home the weeks I had custody of my children

[2] After the charges were dropped, my ex proceeded to file a claim against the lead officer, claiming he undertook an inadequate investigation

Diaries

I had 2 resolutions: I wanted to get in shape, and I wanted to deal with my marriage.

On New Year’s Eve, 2014, my best friend and I exchanged resolutions, and I made two: I wanted to get in shape, and I wanted to deal with my marriage. My husband and I had been married for almost thirty years, and, as I told my friend that evening, we’d enjoyed a good marriage for the first twenty. Then we started to move in different directions, and over several years, our relationship slid into mediocrity. In my mind, he had lost his sense of adventure and generosity and seemed negative about all manner of things.

Now we lived separate lives side by side

united mostly by our love for our daughter. But she would finish high school in June and leave soon after that for university. What would keep us together then?

Establishing a fitness schedule proved a simpler New Year’s project than approaching my husband about the state of our marriage. By February, I was already on track with a regular running schedule and feeling more fit, but I had not yet said a word to my husband.

One day, I flipped on the radio in my car. A man was speaking — I don’t know who he was — about couples growing old miserably together-couples who’d long since grown apart, or, worse, harboured real animosity toward each other. I kept thinking about his words.

I respected and cared about my husband, and I knew he was a good person.

But what if I lived for thirty more years? What if I only lived for one more year? Either way, I didn’t like the idea of spending that precious time in a relationship that had gone stale.

He and I were both finance professionals and had enjoyed successful careers. Now we were in our fifties. I’d asked him how he pictured retirement, and though we’d once agreed, I could see that his priorities had changed — and the life he longed for sounded lovely, just not for me. I liked my career and engaged in community building. I sat on a number of boards, and I wanted to do more, working with organizations I believed in. I wanted to continue enjoying adventures and travel, experience new places, and hike up new mountains. I realized my husband was no longer interested in the same things.  We simply had different ideas of what a fulfilling post-career life looked like.

By March, I planned each evening to broach the topic of our marriage the next morning, but it never seemed like the right time. Finally, one day mid-month, I told him I wanted to sit down to talk about our marriage and our future. It wasn’t my style to spring this conversation on him out of the blue, so we planned ahead for a time when our daughter would be out.

When the time came, we sat down at the kitchen table. We were both calm and collected. We had rarely fought in three decades, and we were not prone to raising our voices. We never accused each other or insulted each other or swore at each other. R and I were both composed as a rule, certainly not cold, but never out of control emotionally. We approached life’s problems calmly and systematically; these were traits we’d always had in common.

I said, “This doesn’t feel like a great partnership anymore. I think we need to consider going to counseling or separating.”

To my surprise, he said I was overreacting — that we were just in a funk. I’d assumed he was just as dissatisfied and frustrated as I was.  Our relationship was in a funk, I agreed, and had been for quite some time. I didn’t want to go on that way. He asked if I was angry because he hadn’t congratulated me on my recent appointment to a high-profile board. It wasn’t a great sign, I agreed, that he had failed to comment on such an appointment. But I wasn’t angry. I just didn’t want to live with a man I barely spoke with. I really couldn’t believe that he was content to leave things the way they were — didn’t he want more? I asked him to consider whether he wanted to go to counseling, or to separate. For me, those were the only viable options.

Something had to change.

The next day, he surprised me again. He said he’d made up his mind: he wanted to “separate-no counselling-the sooner, the better”.

Diaries

Verbal, Economic, and Physical Abuse

You can read Part One here:

When my husband and I decided to separate, our daughter still had three months of high school, along with final dance competitions-the culmination of years of dedication. She studied and practiced whenever she wasn’t at school.
Of course, we didn’t want to burden her with the shock and stress of our separation while she was under so much pressure, so we agreed to wait until the end of June. Then we would tell her about our plans.
Until then, we’d continue to live together as always, which was not as strange as I might have expected. We had been amicable but distant for years already, so we just kept behaving the same way. Even sleeping on our own sides of the bed, with little interaction, felt better than upending her world.

When he and I were home without our daughter, I tried to discuss with him how we should proceed. We were both well-versed financial professionals (he a partner at one of the large professional services firm, and I running my own corporate finance advisory firm); surely, we could sit down and divide our assets and liabilities fairly. Whenever I tried to broach the topic of dividing household contents, he became agitated. One day, when I asked which of our furnishings he’d like to keep, he yelled at me, stabbing his finger at me.

“You initiated this!” he told me. “Go f*** yourself!”

His anger showed itself more and more, until he was yelling at me regularly, once even in front of our daughter, his face contorted with anger. One day, as we drove home from an event of our daughter’s, discussing logistics of our separation, he yelled uncontrollably at me again. We drove into the garage, and as I got out of the car, he came around the front, charging at me with his head forward, yelling and his shoulders back. I believe he was close to hitting me when I pushed his face away. He stole himself, turned and entered the house.

For the last three months of our marriage,

I watched my husband of nearly thirty years transform.

Clearly, he was overcome with rage, and that baffled me. He had chosen for us to separate. He had agreed that our marriage wasn’t thriving. He knew I had no malicious intentions toward him; I had imagined an amicable and simple split. I thought we would remain friendly, that over the years to come we’d meet for birthdays with our grown daughter and we would wish each other well as we moved forward in our own directions. I was truly shocked as this person, whom I had known so well for so long, became someone else. Someone whose actions I could not understand and could not predict.

Several months into our separation, I made a list of eleven separate actions that he would have found obtuse when we separated and that he now engaged in shamelessly.

They included verbal, economic, and physical abuse, and mistreatment of our daughter and housekeeper.

The theft of my personal belongings, misstating financial information to the bank and lying about buying a suit for no apparent reason.

 I brought that list to a psychologist, because I needed help understanding how a person could undergo such alarming changes. And how could I reverse the trend. I will not narrate all eleven of those incidents here, but I will recount a few of them-partly because they led to the nightmare process that unfolded over the next few years, and partly because I want to show the aspect of the divorce that others may not anticipate.

Diaries

The Law Will Dictate How We Proceed

You can read part two of the diary here

A few weeks after my husband advised he wanted to separate, I suggested that we sit down and figure out as much as we could on our own, without the lawyers.“I’m not allowed to meet you without my lawyer present,” he informed me.

I found his words almost comically officious. We were still living in the same house; why couldn’t we sit down and go over some spreadsheets, an exercise that happened to be well within our abilities? He informed me that he’d “hired the best family lawyer in town”. That’s fine, I thought. So, she’s the best lawyer. I had heard her name and reputation from a friend but advised she didn’t sound like the type of professional I would associate with.  What difference could it really make? After all, this is simply a divorce, and if there was anything we didn’t agree on, the law will dictate how we must proceed.

To my former self, I can only say: you were so naive!

I followed my husband’s lead and hired a lawyer too, one theat I understood was more my type of professional. I was so busy with work commitments at the time that I didn’t look any further than the name of a lawyer a friend had given me. 

But my husband continued to behave more and more erratically, and he simply would not speak to me about anything logistical. In early June,

I was shocked to notice that he had cleared out our joint U.S. bank account into his own account.

“I want to control the money,” he said, unapologetically, when I raised the issue. I told him, of course, that he had to put the money back, assuming that taking it for himself was illegal. My lawyer had told me not to undertake any unusual transactions and I assumed the law had addressed that to protect people. Wrong.

That same night, I discovered that he had acquired a new girlfriend a few weeks after we decided to separate. He’d attended a golf trip in Montana, and picked up a woman at the bar afterward. I’d noticed him emailing secretively outside and then discovered his stash of sweetheart notes.  Couldn’t he have waited until we had told our daughter until we slept in separate houses and separate beds?

But, as my lawyer explained to me the next morning, it wasn’t illegal to empty joint accounts. Not only was my husband within his rights when he took our money, but my lawyer was apparently within her rights, too, when she responded to the situation merely by leaving a message with his lawyer and charging me $60 for 18 seconds of work that would amount to nothing. I was stuck in a meeting that morning, hoping in vain that my lawyer would protect me, wondering if he was liquidating all our other assets into his account as I sat there.

Between the money and girlfriend, I was reeling. Who had this person I’d been married to for so long become?

When I got out of that meeting, I immediately took care of the financial situation myself; I called a broker and ensured that he couldn’t move our assets without my say by having the broker tear up the power of attorney over the sizeable account in my name. When I questioned the efficacy of my lawyer’s tactics (on this and other matters), she fired me. I begged her finish the process with me-I assumed it would only take a few weeks- she said no. She said I had lost confidence in her and that she could no longer represent me. I’d had my first taste of working with a family lawyer, and now I had no legal representation and had no idea what my wasband (no longer my husband, not yet my ex-husband) would do next.

My wasband went on to steal my phone from our Calgary house and hide it in our Montana vacation home, where I’d find it months later. He took items from the house when I wasn’t home, stashing them away for himself. As soon as we told our daughter about our separation, which devastated her; he devastated her further by suggesting she meet his new (and, of course, short-term) girlfriend.

He had been a great dad, but now he had somehow lost his capacity for empathetic or appropriate behavior, and his relationship with our daughter grew strained, then alienated.

The litany of bizarre behavior goes on, and I recount some of it in the posts that follow.

Again, the psychologist I consulted told me that people often behave strangely during divorce, especially people who feel that their spouse made the decision for both of them. Though my wasband did decide to separate, he felt like he’d been dumped, and in a way that was true; I was the one who needed things to change.

“I never thought his character would change,” I told her. I showed her my list. “Here are eleven things he’s done since we separated that he would have found abhorrent in the past. These are now things he’s comfortable doing. How is this possible?”

My wasband and I had seen this same psychologist after we decided to separate, to help us figure out when and how to tell our daughter. Now I told her again how we had simply grown apart; even in March, as we decided to separate, I still completely trusted him and thought he was a person of integrity. But now, in September, I couldn’t believe how he was behaving. The stealing, the yelling, the swearing at me, the mistreatment of people. He had falsified a bank document to make his income appear lower than it was. He had taken funds from our joint account. He had launched at me in a physically threatening manner and pushed a door at me. He lied about small, pointless things. Worst of all, he wanted to fire our nanny and housekeeper of almost twenty years without severance — a woman who was our daughter’s third parent, who was so important in our lives, a woman we loved like family.

The psychologist explained that people behave this way when they feel like they’ve lost power and control in their lives. The yelling and swearing, the new girlfriend, and even hiding my possessions, fit with someone who was trying to gain the upper hand. She said he was overwhelmed at losing power, and that someone in this state of mind would not see the impacts of his actions on other people for at least a year.

“Even his daughter?” I asked, remembering how she had cried so hard she was gasping, telling me that her dad had tried to introduce her to his new girlfriend a few days after we told her about our separation.

“Even his daughter,” the psychologist conceded.

She said that he would gradually begin to see how his actions were affecting people like her, and that after three years, he had an 80 percent chance of resuming normalized relationships with people. At the time, I had no doubt he would be in the 80 percent.

That was three and a half years ago. Today I have no relationship with my former husband – he continues to pay his lawyer to manage all his communications and tactics – and he has lost many important relationships in his life. It’s been very sad and frustrating to watch.