Diaries
Diary 1: Race to Zero
Race to Zero
A few years ago, during one of the numerous times my ex-husband had taken me to court to try and have more income imputed to me (while he was artificially reducing his own income for child support purposes) my lawyer observed we were in a “race to zero”. You may be wondering what this means…. Essentially, in a shared custody situation, our courts determine child support payments by assessing what each parent earns, taking the difference, and “equalizing” incomes by transferring that difference from the higher income earner to the lower one. Think of it as a form of equalization payments between provinces. Unfortunately, this tends to encourage “manipulation” of incomes, whereby one (or both) parents try and reduce their incomes in order to receive (rather than make) child support payments. I watched as, over the course of 10 years, my ex-husband went from earning a healthy 6-figure income in software sales to becoming a baker (despite having a university degree in Economics), claiming to only earn $30K per year. Meanwhile, I continued to enhance my career through progressively senior finance roles, consequently paying him more and more child support each year. It was only after I suffered an emotional breakdown (once again, due to my ex-husband manipulating the legal system for his own personal and financial gain) did I step back from my career to focus on my health and well-being. As a result, I was no longer making child support payments. Ironically, neither was my ex-husband, as he evaded the legal system by refusing to provide updated financial information. I chose not to pursue him, as I was mentally and emotionally drained, though relieved by the fact he was no longer dragging me to court! Ironically, my ex-husband’s relentless pursuit to get more money from me ultimately resulted in me winning the “race to zero”.
The Ill-Effects of Having an Ex with Personality Disorders
Is your ex a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath? Mine is… and he has made my life a living hell since I ended our marriage more than 10 years ago. Yes, you heard right – we have now been divorced for approximately 12 years, and even though he has remarried, and has a baby with his new wife, he continues to torment me. From trying to turn my kids against me: “your mother loves [New Partner] more than she loves you; that is why she took a job in a different city”[1], to falsely accusing [New Partner] of physical assault (it took us months, plus 2 police investigations, to finally have the charges dismissed)[2], my ex-husband continues to find new ways to wreak havoc on my life. Be forewarned – divorcing someone with a personality disorder can cause years of damage – emotional, mental, physical – to yourself, your children, and any new partner / spouse. Make sure you get help – including professional help, if necessary.
When Your Ex Decides to Self-Represent
One word – farce.
When my ex-husband decided after a few years of rotating lawyers to self-represent in court, I was optimistic that we would finally reach some type of resolution. Boy, was I ever wrong. His games and lies increased, along with manipulation of the system. Every judge we encountered would preface the hearing by stating that my ex was expected to abide by the same rules, processes and procedures that any represented client would, but then, would grant him extensions of time and allow him to present “facts” that were wholly unsubstantiated, ultimately leading him to feel ever more empowered. The family court became a family circus. Our courts need to ensure due process is adhered to at all times and in all circumstances, and not allow self-represented litigants to “run the show”. In my situation, my ex-husband was able to successfully lie in court, get away with not having to file documents that would otherwise be mandatory in a hearing, and ultimately rack up my bills with no cost (financial or otherwise) to him.
[1] Note I continued to actively co-parent, working from home the weeks I had custody of my children
[2] After the charges were dropped, my ex proceeded to file a claim against the lead officer, claiming he undertook an inadequate investigation
