Experts
Expert: Adult Child of Divorce
6-tips for parents from an adult child of divorce
I sit here as an educated, traveled, successful, unmarried, 36 year old female – who also happens to be a child of divorce. When asked to write this article, at first, I thought ‘what on earth am I going to say? what do I really know?’. And after a few long dog walks realized I had a ton to share, and wish my parents had talked to someone like me before parenting through their divorce.
This article is from the perspective of an adult whose parents divorced at the age of nine. I am not your average ‘child of divorce’ – even though it rocked me to the core and has absolutely coloured my adult life, I have spent the better part of a said adult life being on a path of self-discovery, reflection and a refusal to be a victim of circumstances beyond my own control. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without this journey, for better or worse, however there are some things I wish could’ve been done differently as my parents navigated this life event.
The following are six ‘tips’ I think would be helpful for couples to consider when divorcing with children in the picture:
1. Don’t assume everything is ok
My parents, Mom especially, kept tabs on our emotions and knew full well things weren’t ‘ok’. And it’s a full circle moment for me to have friends going through divorces now and sharing how their kids are doing ‘awesome’. I call BS – no kid comes out unscathed, and pretending everything is ok can be very damaging. Kids don’t always wear their emotions on their sleeves, and look to their parents for cues on how to behave—allow them the grace to be ‘not ok’.
2. Don’t let your guilt become their burden
Inevitably you will feel guilt associated with how your divorce is affecting your kid’s well-being. That is solely yours to bare. They will have a rainbow of their own emotions, telling them you’re sorry and feel guilty adds to their emotional load, it doesn’t lighten it. Leave those conversations to your girlfriends and therapist.
3. Give age appropriate truths
Kids aren’t stupid, most are incredibly perceptive. Be as honest with them as is age appropriate and kind. It allows them to create bridges between what they’re seeing and feeling, and that is what will give them some of the tools to begin processing emotions. Kind being the operative sentiment, it doesn’t include belittling the other parent.
4. A feeling without logic becomes a future quirk
Kids don’t always have the reasoning capabilities to understand why an emotion makes them feel a certain way. I’m not a therapist, but after years of therapy, I’ve learned that when a child can’t understand the origin of an emotion they can’t properly process it, and to self-protect the body will repress the emotion and store it. Fast forward 15 years, and that’s when adults with seemingly irrational ‘quirky’ trust, confidence, stability, security issues can rear their heads.
5. Don’t be an ostrich or a helicopter
Further to point one, try to be respectful of your kid’s own processing process. Some will want to talk while others will want to retreat. The key is balance in how you support them—try to remain consistently available; don’t pretend nothing is happening or constantly require them to engage with you. Let them pick the pace as much as possible.
6. Your kids aren’t power pawns
Often kids can become the last active emotional connection between you and your ex. And it can at times be tempting to use them to get at your ex—this is the worst things you can do. It is beyond destructive for your child to be an intermediary really of any kind. This might be the hardest tip to adhere to, but perhaps the most important one as your ex reflects 50% of what was the stability in their world – don’t further uproot that for them.
The above are simply my own reflections and learnings, as I have spent years putting in a concerted effort to not allow my parent’s divorce limit my adult life. And while navigating divorce is more of an art than a science, what I can promise you is that you’ll spare your child at least some heart ache and adult pains if you give the above your best shot.
